Challenge

I apologize for not writing for almost two months! I have been avoiding talking about what God is doing in my life, something He constantly does and is normal I hear for interns overseas, showing me my sin.

These past two months, since the midyear conference, we have been told to give Crusade a decision about next year as to whether we'll be returning or not. I guess the pressure was good? I would not want to work for an organization who wasn't so excited about what God is doing through them but, of course, I feel the Man has stifled me down...so I thought and thought and prayed and thought some more.

I desperately miss teaching. I have enjoyed teaching two girls English once a week and I have enjoyed English Club as well. But it's not my own classroom. And it's not enough. I want the 7am-5pm slot for five days a week. I miss seeing someone "get it" on a daily basis. I think this passion was also encouraged from watching Freedom Writers with Hillary Swank this weekend as well. I want to reach out to those students, those kids who need teachers who love what they're doing! And so, I shall return to the US later this summer. I am currently pursuing teaching jobs in Alabama. I know the Lord will provide an excellent school with a supportive faculty and administration. And I look forward to "my classroom".

But I can't just leave it at that. After beginning to read The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne and after my time here, I see how often the Body of Christ fails to live out what Jesus said. And so, I pray I can let go of control in order to make God greater and me less. How does one do this you ask? Honestly, it's a daily battle. It's been a battle the past month and a half to let go of my expectations of what my life will be like - perfect job, perfect husband, perfect kids...so (big sigh) I try to let go of it. I lay it at Jesus's feet daily and pray "Forgive me for expecting an easy life, filled with things that do not matter eternally. Help me do everything I can today to make you famous here in Nantes, to have compassion for these students who have no earthly idea who You are, what You've done, what You're doing, and what You will do."

Another area of conviction is my attitude. I feel unwilling to do things often - give up control, love my teammates, do favors for people - unless I want to do it. What is this idea we have that we do what we want? (What was that, something from South Park? "I do what I want.") Well, obviously I do not want the things of God. I want control, power, honor and glory for ME! I am so self-centered, so much more concerned with myself and my needs, rather than giving them to the Lord and living without them. Why do I feel I need certain things? Jesus never said, "Follow me and I will make sure you're married, have two kids, and a large income." Jesus was HOMELESS. Jesus didn't have stuff. What am I holding onto that is holding me back from Jesus? And why won't I give it up? Pride, I guess. Lies that fill my head - which are A TON. False ideas I have about what being a Christ follower is. My goodness. This is my heart. This is what God is doing now. So, not only do I want a teaching position but I also want God to provide a community that needs Him, that I can get involved in doing His work. And in this I know He will provide. He will provide...that's another lesson learned from STINT. I've learned a lot about who God is, but I still don't trust Him always. It's dangerous to pray for Him to do whatever it takes to help me trust Him...But God is an ever-present help, always.

I've been reading Romans 6 recently as I'm going through Lord, Heal My Hurts by Kay Arthur. Kind of hit a pothole, seeing as this book is what inspired the Protestant Reformation and so many brothers and sisters...So I've been reading it for about a month. Here are some of my favorite verses.

"Or do you not know that as many of us as were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into His death? Therefore we were buried with Him throguh baptism into death, that just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life. For if we have been united together in the likeness of His death, certainly we also shall be in the likeness of His resurrection, knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves of sin...For the death that He died, He died to sin once for all; but the life that He lives, He lives to God. Likewise you also, reckon yourselves to be dead indeed to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 6:3-6,10-11

I encourage you to read the whole book. One Bible study tool I've found useful is youversion.com an online Bible you can save, highlight, and find classical commentaries on.

I also highly reccommend Sandra McCracken's album Red Balloon on noisetrade.com. It's free to download if you tell five friends about it.